Friday, September 19, 2014

If you could, then you know you would.

We took a trip out to an exceptionally fancy dairy farm this morning for class. It's interesting how alike all dairy farms are--they have the cows, the housing, the milking parlor, the bulk tank. But when you really start to get even a little bit of exposure to them, they start to really show their strengths and weaknesses.

This one was strong. Even the cows looked happy; even though they say something along the lines of "a happy cow makes happy milk", the cows haven't always looked so happy. The gals here though looked like they enjoyed themselves; they were alert, passive, and surprisingly curious about the giant group of people walking around their farm.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Cold Case.

I felt it in my bones, deep down into my neutrophils as they tried desperately to rid my body of the foreign antigens that broke their way through my skin and viciously began to take over.

I knew it was coming--a part of me saw it far before it even began lurking in the shadows. Call it past experience, call it intuition, call it an uncanny ability to read people's truest intentions. I am the type of person people leave, the type they get tired of and abandon. It's not me feeling sorry for myself, it's not me overreacting; it's me being realistic.

95% of the people I've ever met, put work into building a relationship with (which is like asking me to build a working robot out of toothpicks and cabbage that will explore the outer edges of the Milky Way), and then got even remotely attached to...they've all slowly disappeared out of my life, right when I thought things were--'for sure this time"--going to stick.

But they never do. For some inexplicable reason that I'm incapable of getting answers for. And that's what causes me the most collateral damage; I've literally spent years trying to pick up the pieces and carefully recreate the scene, all so I could analyze it like a crime detective, solving the riddle.

But this is my unsolvable riddle, the mystery that shall never be solved. It's a cold case. And with each one, my heart gets a little colder, too. With each one, I put up more and more walls, more protection more deterrents, more means of avoiding the same disaster.

And yet disaster seems to follow me around like a shadow on a bright and sunny day.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The more I think about it, the more I realize you liked me just as much as I liked you. And the more I wonder, the more I start to question the possibility of you continuing to feel that way, regardless of what happens. 
Just as I do.

Why did you have to follow me?
Why did you have to intrigue me, entice me, elate me, and then destroy me?
What am I supposed to have learned from all of this?
That I'm going to live forever in Friendville, USA for the remainder of my life---doomed to being seen as "just a really awesome friend" by every person of the opposite sex I encounter? It's either as friend material or a piece of meat.

But you, you saw me for me. I never had to say much, and yet you got me. And you remembered, it too, and from what you remembered you analyzed and applied to the future. I think that's what I miss most about you, no matter how much I may complain and claim to hate everything that's even remotely related to you.  
I lie to myself because lying is easier than feeling all the pain and regret. 

The constant wondering, the endless questions that bombard me, and yet always knowing that there will never be answers. 

It's enough to drive a person mad. 

Stop Trying to Control Everything

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing has changed

Saturday, September 13, 2014

There's Only One Exception

& you're still it.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, you're always going to be there.
Either in my dreams,
in my future, 
in my present,
or burned into my past.

You're everywhere,
and I never imagined I'd hate the feeling. 

"Well what's the problem?
You've got a lot of nerve;
so what did you think I would say?

Well if you give up, 
you'll get what you deserve.

You were finished long before
we had even seen a start."

Strength in Weakness

Today has been a bit of a long day; I woke up at 6am, planning to go for a run at 8am after eating breakfast and studying for a bit. I figured it'd be a good break, and it'd get my blood circulating so I could study with efficiency for a while afterwards.

8am came & went; I decided to go instead tonight, where I could run, take a shower, and maybe go to bed after a little more studying.

Tomorrow will hopefully be an okay day, and hopefully it'll be a bit more productive. I think once I get through Wednesday, and get this first exam overwith, it'll be okay. Still stressful, but bearable. 

And once NEXT week Thursday afternoon (basically two weeks from now) hits, goodness knows I'm not doing squat. At least, as far as "minimal squat" goes. Who knows?  I might go hang out with friends, or spend my afternoon sleeping. Or crying. One or the other, based on how I feel after my organic exam in the morning. -_-

On a bit of an unrelated note, I woke up this morning More free than I did yesterday, even. I honestly don't care anymore. There's always going to be that point in life where you have to just "hop the fence" so to speak and make a now-or-never decision.

I chose now.