Sunday, October 4, 2015

My problem is that for the past few years, I've been watching from the sidelines as I've watched all of my friends and family and even those to whom I'm not very close do things, inspire, and bring this inexplicable joy and brightness to the world around them.

I haven't done any of that. I've felt purposeless and lost and blind and like I'm not contributing. It's frustrating, constantly pressing on without a defined purpose, without actively changing and growing and helping.

Weekend Gap

This weekend has been a mixture of pleasant/relaxing to exhausting/boring.

The Beau came over after class on Friday to hang out for a while; we decided to go out and get dinner (Mexican, for the second day in a row--which I'm surprised didn't make me feel like a tubby sack of lard) and then see The Martian.

It was a good movie; the quality was good, the jokes were funny, the suspense/thrills thrilling. The story line developed naturally, and it wasn't difficult to follow. I loved the science scenes, and not knowing for sure how the movie would end. Parts of it reminded me of Gravity, since he got "lost in space".

But it wasn't quite as terrifying because, you know, there was a planet beneath his feet at least. Plus I could focus on the movie, instead of being worried/nervous about having the "New Beau" beside me like it would've done almost a year ago with Interstellar. :)

 I'm glad he likes space movies as much as I do. What would've been cool, though, is if I had ended up pursuing my childhood dream of being an astronaut. I still really love outer-space, but I also really love keeping my feet on the ground.

Anyway. The rest of the weekend has been full of doing homework (at a procrastinating, slow pace) and dreading the upcoming week/month ahead. October is generally busy, November kinda busy, and December busy only until around the 10th when finals are over and maximum laziness takes over. What I'm most worried about is micro lab, which is the "hardest" because there are several bigger reports/projects/exams that aren't--by the "biological department" standard--not graded as fairly as they should be. Other than the stressful nature of the big deadlines, I've been liking micro lab and enjoying micro lecture.
My GTA for micro lab is super cool. I can't remember if I've done a rundown of my professors and teachers, but they're all generally cool. My physics professor is nice. I had her last semester for physics I, and liked her just because she made things as straightforward as I'm going to find and gives enough extra credit that I don't think I have to worry all that much about my grade.

My physics lab TAs, however, are awful. I didn't care for the ones I had last semester and this semester is literally a repeat of that soul crushing hatred for the class as a whole. It's even at the same time and day! >:( At least I don't have organic lab right after, which in retrospect I enjoyed. I didn't like how stressful it was, or how much work and time and effort it took, but I still liked it. I learned a lot and appreciate being able to get some chem lab experience.

My micro lab is the least stressful lab I've had so far, I think. It's biology, so the graded stuff is going to be annoying and unfair, but my GTA tries to make it as "fair" as possible without getting in trouble with his boss. Plus he's super into micro (obviously) and tries to get us equally excited about learning. The past biology lab TAs I've had to suffer through were just awful, and I was honestly really dreading this class, especially since it was a standalone class (like organic lab) and not connected/built into micro lecture. In my opinion, that's not fair. But whatevs. You gotta do what you gotta do, however I don't think you should inhibit learning or make students frustrated and therefore unwilling to learn by stressing them out like standalone lab courses tend to.

My ethics class...really isn't worth mentioning. It's a one-hour (50 minutes, really) class without tests or finals, and we only have to present one group project on an assigned topic. My group is doing ours this week, so after that I could basically sleep through all the other classes if I wanted to. However, we have 1/2 page opinion-based reports due each week on whatever the previous week's topic covered. So I can't exactly sleep, but I can put as little work in as possible and still guarantee myself an A, hopefully. From what I understand, its a really easy A.

I miss elementary school. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Damn your beautiful blue eyes;
You're just like the beautiful brown ones.
A repeat,  an instant replay.
A trainwreck I've already seen,
a storm I've already been dragged through.
You're the same different kind,
frustration waiting to happen.
And yet...
I'm finding myself
unable to stop them
from crossing my mind.

Friday, September 18, 2015

“Dreams would always end with you, and then mornings would steal you away with a cruelty that haunted my days.” --Laura Miller

"In visions of the dark night
       I have dreamed of joy departed—
But a waking dream of life and light
       Hath left me broken-hearted."  
                             --Edgar Allen Poe

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Last Night

Early this morning, I jolted awake from a nightmare that started innocently as a dream. In an empty room you sat down beside me like you used to do, appearing out of nowhere and instantly bringing to a halt whatever anxiety or worries had been racing through my mind.

Everything was silent.
Everything was still.
Everything was good.

You started talking to me, just like you used to, in that calm, warming voice of yours. Words of intelligence and observation fell from your lips, like the sweetest promises might from a soulmate. You asked me how I had been doing, apologized for being absent for so long, and admitted to missing my enjoyable company. Just like that, we picked up right where we left off and for once it felt entirely real. Usually there's a piece of me that knows it's all a dream, but this time...this time it was real.

As real as my mind either desperate for closure or begging for a change.
Closure from the future that almost was,
or change from what might be.
On to something entirely different--something calm, something agreeable, something to connect who I am as a person and who I am as a soul. Something that doesn't constantly fight against me in the most innocent of ways; something that doesn't take careful, flawed steps around me; something I don't have to wonder and worry about; something that's not what's there right now.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Home for Labor Day Weekend

I went home on Friday afternoon; my sister is gone for the time being, and I wanted to take full advantage of not only her absence, but also the extra weekend day. The Beau came over Friday afternoon as well--a huge kudos-awarded feat--to join us in making the usual Friday night homemade pizza for dinner. This time, it was more eventful with a beer bread crust, which I seriously recommend.

Saturday was productive as far as studying goes--for some reason I was able to really focus, much more so than I normally am. I suppose for the normal person, it would be called "focusing", but for me, the "really" is necessary... That's how short my attention span is. I was able to take a full three-and-a-half hours of uninterrupted study time, and then I spent the rest of the day however I pleased. My mom and I made a cheesecake. And in the evening I went to church with my parents, something I've been missing out on for the past who-knows-how-long.

Sunday was my other sister's birthday, and her family came over for breakfast. Then in the afternoon, I went for a run, yet another thing I've been desperately missing. Usually, it's been a struggle; while it's been sort of fun running where I am, running around my hometown is incomparable. It reminds me why I started in the first place, and why, through all the injuries and set backs and stalls I've dealt with in the past year-and-a-half, I've kept at it. The sky was clear blue, the weather was warm but not hot, the sun was brightly beating against my skin. It was the perfect afternoon.

This morning, my mom made me stuffed french toast as a special treat. It was really good, and something else I haven't eaten in a long time.
On my own, I don't cook a lot of "food' per se. I cook nutrients into something that will keep me going.
At home, my mom puts her heart and soul and motherly touch into meals that are nutritious and lovingly hug your taste buds as its consumed. Nothing really compares to home-cooked food; and by home-cooked, I don't mean "cooked at home". Home-cooked is what brings you together as a family, it's what bonds you in the process and gives you something to talk over as it gathers you around a central location for a period of time. It's what reminds you you're not alone, because you've always got family to laugh and argue and struggle with. You might have rough periods, but everyone else has rough periods with you.

Anyway... I need go. :)