Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Today during our last ever physics lab, a few of my fellow classmates received an email notifying them of an early invitation to an interview for veterinary school.

Immediately after class, I--with shaking hands--pulled out my phone, opened the email app, and waited with a held breath and a cold sweat beginning to take form on my skin.

And then...it appeared.

My own interview invitation.

It's not acceptance by any means, but getting offered an interview alone is a big step to take. It shows you've put in the work, the time, and the blood/sweat/tears to deserve a spot.

I'm still waiting to hear from the rest of my schools; apparently some people have already heard from one of them but I have not. But I will continue to move forward, one day at a time.
With a new outlook, a new peace, a new purpose.

Something good must come of it.

Monday, November 23, 2015

This evening, I plan on signing up for a 5K that takes place toward the end of February. 

I remember last time, the whole reason I ever took up running in the first place was to prove myself and anyone else who ever doubted me wrong. And then I took up eating (95% strictly) healthy to fuel the running and "strength training" (Jillian Micheals, my girl) to make me stronger and faster.

It was all for the sake of running, the elusive exercise that I could (at first) barely do. But I just knew that whenever I was running, even for those initially short bursts of time, I felt free. I felt like I was disproving all the voices and nagging self-doubts that previously stood in my way like an Interstate pile up.
And with each week that passed, the more persistence and work I put into it, the stronger I got. And the stronger I got, the happier I became. Strength is my happy. For some people it doesn't matter their shape or size, some people don't necessarily care what they do with their bodies or what they put into them. But for me, even years ago when I pretty much hated moving, there's always been a part of me that thrived on the feeling of strength--mental strength, physical strength. I've always loved the feeling of muscle fatigue, that soreness that comes the day after you ask your body to use itself. I like how the human body responds to exercise and proper eating, how by being "toughly affectionate" toward it, it too will give you just as much in return.

A person's mind and body are NOT meant to be separated within the same physical confines. And as this semester comes to an almost grinding halt, as undergrad becomes a thing of the long-forgotten, dark past of ups and downs, I look forward to having the time to once again fully dedicate myself to reconnecting with the person I left behind a year ago. I know there are things--although I haven't been able to identify all of them--that are preventing me (right now, and over the past six months or so) from really putting all my heart and soul into this, and those are things I've been trying to and continue to attempt to overcome. There are things I continue to fixate on, past "lives" I'm still living even though I'm very much aware those things are long gone, no matter how much I ache for them to come back.

Instead of about numbers, it will be about healing. Exercising my body and my mind, recovering from all the damage I've done to myself both mentally and physically over the past year-and-a-half. I'm tired of struggling, of trying and failing, of disappointing myself.

So, I dear, limited number of readers, take this as my "last words" so to speak. While I don't plan on doing anything serious until after (at the earliest) Christmas (there's a lot happening within the next month---Thanksgiving, finals, graduation, Christmas), I definitely plan on jumping on board full swing once the New Year hits.

I know it's cold outside. I know it's not going to be easy or always go "according to plan", it's NOT a "New Year's Resolution"; a part of this new journey is learning how to go with the flow and doing the best I can with what's available. It's learning mental fitness as much as it is about relearning physical fitness.

So here's to strength and finding balance.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

For those of you (which is...just about everyone) who don't know, I've suffered from eating disorders since I was in 8th grade. I suppose it could be technically classified as an "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" (ENDOS).

First it was a type of anorexia--I wouldn't anything with over 3 grams of fat, so many Calories, under so many grams of fiber. I'd skip breakfast, limit lunch, resist drinking water. Anything to feel that empty growl in the pit of my stomach, to feel it spread like roots of a tree into my very being until I felt light enough to disappear from all my insecurities, inadequacies, and lonliness.

It started when my "best friend" left school, leaving me in the lurch having to make friends with a group of people I didn't necessarily relate to.

In high school, it got a little better--although I still struggled with how I looked and felt, I was able to shove it into the back corner of my mind.

Until I graduated, entered college, and felt the familiar pull of loss of control, of inadequacy, of uneasiness. Compounding the problem was a hopelessness carrying itself over from senior year in high school; to put it simply (and for the sake of avoiding dwelling on the past), I wanted something I couldn't have.
And thus entered the quest to get in shape. Not necessarily lose weight, that was just an unintentional side effect and something that soon took over. I got strong, I got healthy, and I got thin. And with all that, I was finally...happy. I felt amazing about myself, I was happy with my accomplishments not because they were making my skinny--suddenly "skinny" didn't matter (at the moment), and instead it became about valuing my body and trusting it to take care of me as I took care of it.

But when school restarted in the spring the summer after all of this took place, things got hectic and I had to try harder to balance my body with my education. I managed it, but I could feel myself slipping away. And when summer came, it was all about seeing the number drop no matter how weak, tired, and cold I always was even in the 98-degree heat of summer.

I never hit my goal.

And instead, I started to spiral...upward. July 25, 2014 was the exact date that began the slow, progressive loss of myself and my connection to everything I held dear. It was the first time I ever felt what it was like to be so achingly disgusted with myself that it caused me to spend the entire next week exercising relentlessly after a small breakfast, skip lunch, and eat the healthiest dinner I could design.

The entire next fall---the worst semester of my entire undergraduate career--I spend struggling against that same pattern of bulimia-like tendencies, and as I continued to pack on frustratingly unwanted pound after pound, it leached into the following semester.

Finally, in the spring, it balanced itself out when I stamped my foot down. Since then, I've spent the summer and fall trying to get rid of those 10-15 pounds of unwanted fat, but summer school always seemed to get in the way. It left little time for exercise, messed up how and when I ate. It stressed me out, kept me sleep deprived. Anything and everything it could do it hinder and prevent me from staying focused and dropping the weight (it's surprisingly simple when I can), it did.

Until about a month or two ago, when it seemed like the final straw fell and something...clicked in my mind. I've been working on slowly, slowly rebuilding my behaviors, my thought patterns, my way of life. And it's been benefiting me--although the weight isn't melting off, it's coming off slowly. And honestly, that's the best I can ask for. It's not like I have a ton of weight to lose overall, so my body isn't going to to give it up easily. But it's helped that I've switched up my diet to a degree that I can at least hit my TDEE and not feel 110% disgusted with myself.

Lately, however, the past week or so has been a bit of a struggle.
And for that, I'm thankful that graduation is just around the corner so I can start putting up support beams and getting back to the mental and physical place I was before all went wrong.

Saturday, November 14, 2015


When I think of Paris, I think of this image. Of an image of peace, beauty, culture, and an overall tranquility. I think of the fashion, the design, the language, and the food. I think of the friendship (despite our little squabbles throughout history) that the U.S. has with France. I think of the Statue of Liberty:

She stands for a lot more than Freedom, I think. She stands for a visual, very immovable symbol of a declaration of support and strength that two nations voluntarily offer one another. I was too young at the time, but when 9/11 struck the USA Paris was unwavering in their offering of prayers and backing.

So take a moment or two and send a prayer for Paris, for the kindness they've shown toward us, and remember than no one deserves to be terrorized.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Today marks the end of the first half of the penultimate full week of classes remaining in the semester.

Things are finally winding down before they spurt back up for a few days during finals. Next week are the lab presentations; I've spent literally all semester dreading these presentations, but I think they're going to be okay. With each step and challenge of this lab, from daunting experiments to the exhausting, overwhelming lab reports, to the exams, our TA has been super cool and insistent in making sure we all remain calm and at ease with each one of them.

The physics homework assignments are coming to an end, and they'll go by quickly as usual because there's too many to begin with. :)))

Thanksgiving is coming up as well; most of my family is coming to celebrate. And then about two weeks later is my graduation (!!), and then about two weeks after that is Christmas.

Anyway...I thought maybe I'd have more to say today? But...things change, I suppose.

Friday, November 6, 2015

3 Weeks

After this week, there are roughly 3 weeks remaining in the semester. Two full weeks, 1 half week, and two days after Thanksgiving break where I've only got two one-hour classes.

As of now, I don't have to really worry about micro lecture final.
I don't have a final in my animal science ethics class & my group already presented on our topics.
I'm pretty sure I'll end up being okay in physics, and be able to get by with a mediocre score on the final exam in order to still come out with an A in the class.
As for my micro lab...that continues to be one of the bigger struggles of my semester. I've been doing borderline well all semester; and far better than (apparently) most other people in the class. But I want an A. I want to pull my GPA up from that borderline summa cum laude since biochemistry and my summertime apathy and exhaustion pulled it down.

I've been working really hard for the grades I've earned, learning a lot, and staying on top of the material as I can when other classes get crazy on top of lab. And maybe most importantly, I've been doing it without as much stress and anxiety as I initially expected to experience over the semester. Before classes started, I expected this lab to be horrible--based on my past biology lab experience, I was going to hate it with every single cell in my body, down to their very nucleus, their nucleotide sequence.

But just like the rest of this semester, I know that somehow it will work out. No matter what.

 It will all. Be. Okay.
It has to.