Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I'm over everything

Monday, April 25, 2016

It's nearly May.

I still have no job & not much hope for getting one any time soon. There's nothing available locally and commuting an hour both ways nearly every day of the week just can't and/or isn't going to happen; I have too many other things to worry about--Juna, church, spending time with the Beau. I know it sounds selfish, but I've spent the past ~5 years being very unselfish and sacrificial. All for nothing.

The Beau is almost out of school for the semester; his last day of finals is on May 5th, so we'll spend that afternoon together probably. But what will actually happen is that I'll go over there the day after, because last-minute changes are how he rolls.

Mid-May is my friend's wedding.

The end of May is the Beau's & my vacation; we're actually going to Fort Lauderdale. It turns out his dad's friend has a place that we can stay---so along with the Beau, the Beau's dad, his dad's friend, and his friend's "friend" is also going. It's not exactly at all what I wanted or was expecting to get myself into, but the good thing is that the adults are good at keeping to themselves and letting the young people roam free. It won't be like going on vacation with my family where we all stay together and pester each other and have to unanimously agree on doing one thing. All together. For like a week. In a tiny hotel room/vehicle.

Juna's almost 30 lbs, if not a little over. Today she's almost 5 months old: (4 months and 28 days).
She's nearly potty trained; she's starting to ring her bells or whine instead of bark like mad when she needs to go outside. And she's being able to hold it a little longer between potty breaks; about a week ago we found out she had another UTI (possible a continuance from the first one a month or so back), so the vet started her on Cepha for 3 weeks (instead of 2) to make sure this infection got cleared up entirely.

Meanwhile I'm still not making much progress in any sense of the word--not physically, not mentally, not financially. I'm a complete and utter failure; a painfully shy, timid, discouraged, anxious waste of life. I know my weaknesses hold me back so much, and yet I can't move past them.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck as nothing and there's nothing I can possibly do about it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016


I've been sitting stagnant between trying to decide what to do within the course of the next 4-8 months; they're opposite but both require me getting any kind of job--whether related to animals and furthering a potential veterinary school reapplication or something purely for extra cash. The job is mainly for repaying student loans, and the paths are based on what I decide I am willing/passionate enough to do.

Option 1: Proceed with reapplying to vet school.
  1. Requires 200+ hours of (likely unpaid) "shadow" work with a large animal vet.
    1. This vet is at most an hour away from where I live. 
    2. Hours are very likely to be irregular, long, and unpredictable.
  2. Requires 200+ hours of community service/volunteer work--> also unpaid
  3.  Requires some experience with research work--> Work will be found at my alma mater, an hour's drive.
  4. Requires me to also have a job on top of all of this "work", long hours, driving.
  5. Possibly requires me to retake the GRE, which I might try to just scoot under the rug.

  • This work is not at all guaranteed to get me in next year. Therefor, it would be wise to begin working toward grad school.
  • If I do get into vet school, I may have to move to a new state---> money that I don't have.
  • I will spend the next 4 years after admission working my butt off until there is nothing left of me but my shell.
  • All of this "pre-work" and work will leave me with an unbelievably large amount of debt after graduation.
  • Vet don't make money.
  • Vet's work insanely long hours and put in a huge amount of energy into their jobs.
  • For the work I'll be doing, the pay I will receive, and the debt I'll be swimming in...I'm still wondering if it's even worth it. 
  • "Anything worth having is worth fighting for."

Option 2: Begin taking steps toward applying to a graduate program for psychology.
  1. I would need to apply fairly soon in order to meet the application deadline for taking non-degree-seeking students. 
  2. I did NOT graduate with a Bachelor's in psychology.
  3. Ideally, I would be spending around a year taking "make-up courses" in order to gain entry into a master's program (clinical or i/o--or maybe something else if it strikes me as more important).
  4. I would also need to try to find way to gain "experience" with a psychologist or two.
  5. I may need to retake the GRE, depending on the school I apply to.
  6. Then I would apply to grad school and hope to get in. I imagine it's a bit easier (in theory) to get into grad school than it is for veterinary school.
  7. Ideally, grad school would last ~2 years; let's call that a $60,000 debt after graduation. 
  8. What if I wanted to go get a doctorate? But let's not go past a Master's for now, just to keep things simple. 
  9. I would work a job that pays about $60,000--$80,000 a year. Hey, that's almost the same as veterinarians!! 
  10. Psychologists can generally set their own hours and of course don't work quite as hard as vets.
  11. SO, let's rehash: less debt, less work, same amount of pay, and a bit less stressful/traumatizing of an experience to work through.
  12. The odds are in psychology's favor. Especially since psychology can open a wide variety of options as far as careers go.
  •  I would also have to work during this "prereq" work, purely for the sake of (like I mentioned before) paying off my student loans from undergrad. 
  • Meanwhile, there are personal things that I know are going to be coming up within the next year or so that I need to start preparing for. Should those types of things stress you out? Should they be something you have to worry about, or should they just come naturally? >_<

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Summer Plans

This early-mid May, there are plenty of exciting things that are supposed to be happening.

Firstly, my friend from undergrad is getting married & she has invited me and the Beau as guests, which was super sweet of her. I (along with our other friends) have been looking forward to this wedding since it was planted as a seed almost a year ago.

Secondly, a few days after the wedding, the Beau and I are planning a trip to Florida for a few days. I had to double-check with my parents, sine I A) Still live with them, and B) I'm currently sort of dependent on them both financially and shelter-wise. I respect them enough that, because I live with them and they've helped me care for Juna, I felt the need to ask them before I went. Plus I'm young and I'm prone to making really stupid decisions---so I needed to ask their advice about it. And, just because of who they are and since I would be going (by myself) with the Beau, I needed their "okay".

We're planning for a few days & nights to stay by the beach-side, practically within walking distance of it. Originally we wanted to go to Orlando and go to Disney World (since I've never seen it), but we decided to save our money for a later, more important date and just have a quiet getaway instead. :) He likes the city himself, and I'm excited to show him my childhood stomping grounds--the place I grew up and where all my memories from innocence and bliss are stored.

In the meantime, however, I've been looking around for places to gain large animal experience. There is a place about 20 minutes from where I was staying for school (roughly the same distance to the Beau's house, except in a bit of a different direction) and that's about the closest place I can find without having to drive a ridiculous distance away.

It would be one thing, but driving an hour each way for a "job" (there's no guarantee it's gonna be a paid position) that involves a lot of lackey work. If I was a vital part of the workplace, if people needed me there, then of course it would be a different story. But I've got other obligations and issues to deal with, as well: Juna, volunteer/community service work, possible research work under some old professors, and of course the Beau.

I'm this close to just quitting it all and picking something else that would ultimately leave me with less debt, less work, and a bigger paycheck. 

I'm still struggling with accepting that my "immediate future" has been severely twisted and bloodied. I'm still trying to get over the thought that I'm going to have to continue jumping through silly hoops just to "prove my desire" to be admitted. And being angry about it all doesn't help me adapt and get back on my feet. All I wanted was to start seamlessly into vet school this fall and have other things fall into place as they're supposed to, but I guess God has different plans for me. And since my plans messing up haven't deterred the Beau's plans, it wouldn't really hurt to just go along with it and stick to what I always thought was my motto of "Don't worry, be happy."

Monday, March 7, 2016


I didn't realize until I checked how long it had been since my last update.

Things are "looking better"; I don't feel trapped in my own failure anymore. I don't feel as entirely lost as I did that first week of shock. This next Thursday I have an appointment to meet with the UT vet school director to talk about my rejection--I'm going to ask her what would be best for me to do over this next year/application cycle. I'm going to ask her what my weaknesses were and what my strengths were.

Last Friday, Juna went to the vet to get her 2nd puppy shot and my prayer to talk to the main vet there was answered. He has never failed to encourage me and give me advice when I needed it, or to say just the right thing at just the right time. He told me of his own struggles getting into vet school, and after a long-winded tale, he said, "If it's really want you want, don't let anything stop you."

I'm going to make a plan, and then I will follow through with that plan.

In the mean time, the Beau and I have plans on Friday (wine tasting), Saturday (a symphony orchestra concert), and maybe on Sunday (morning & late-birthday celebration plans). It's his Spring break this next week, and after his last exam on this Wednesday, he's calling it quits until after the vacation.

Back to the important stuff: I'm not sure if I will end up taking any more classes or going for a "Masters' in the meantime". If I can pick up some classes that will help me be eligible to apply to other schools, or if I can focus on picking up more vet experience/work in the meantime, I will do that. I don't quite fancy the idea of "schooling" and "working" at the same time, back in the "undergrad" grind.
In fact, I loathe the idea of going back to school for anything other than the vet med program.


And now that I've been officially rejected for this cycle, the entire plan feels like it's been shifted backward another year. And when I say the entire plan, I mean the entire plan. 
Not just vet school, not just the "5 year plan" for getting a DVM job after undergrad and being one year sooner to ridding myself of school forever. Not just having been mentally prepared for picking up and moving if I had to, for imagining a place of my own and Juna's.
But for life, for things that my life has been waiting with frustrated patience to blossom into--getting engaged, married, settling down for long, relaxed weekends after even longer weeks of working.

Of finally having the time & money to do the things I've always wanted to, and this time (instead of doing them all alone) I'll have my sidekick there with me.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Today, I got the rejection letter a part of me has already been expecting.

After shutting off my phone, I started looking back at the basic recommendations for reapplying to the VMCAS. And after looking at it, it pretty much hit me...I don't want to. Up until now, I've been trying to think of what I may want to do in case this happened, what I'll use as my backup plan, and now that it's a sure thing, I'm also realizing that I have no idea what I'm going to do. Or what I really want to do.

I was expecting this, but it's not what I was hoping for. I was hoping I'd be admitted, so I could finally stop wondering what I was going to do with my future. Because this way, I would be told instead of me deciding.
Word on the street is that emails will be sent out today.