Monday, February 8, 2016

Super Bowl 50

Yesterday, I woke up in a rough mood; lately I've been feeling things building up inside me. I wasn't even able to point out what all of them are, but yesterday it all came bursting out in one good sob-fest.

It all started when I took Juna outside to pee, then when I brought her back in, she peed inside moments after. I rushed her out again, she didn't pee for a the longest time, then when I brought her back in where she promptly peed. This repeated itself once or twice more, and by then I basically lost it. I yelled at her in frustration put her in her crate to keep her out of my way as I cleaned up yet another pee mess, and continued to get myself ready for seeing the Beau later that day. I started crying at that point; I haven't cried since maybe last summer (2015) during a rough week with Biochemistry. Or maybe it was last fall (2015) toward the end of the semester during those awful few weeks of school that I'll never forget.

I had wanted to go for a run mostly to clear my head, but I've also "been getting fat" because of my TOM. -_- I still don't know if it's actual fat or something else going on like water retention or the results of muscle growth. I've been mildly sleep deprived for at least a week, stressed out about the upcoming vet school admissions notifications that are due to be sent out around next week Monday, realizing I've been slipping away from my faith, losing hope in myself, questioning my future, unhappy with the present, and nostalgic for the past where I was skinny, happy, and in-shape.

I'm frustrated that no matter what I do to try to finally get back to that lower weight, in-shap state, nothing works. I either stay the same weight or somehow manage to put on a pound or two. On top of feeling like a total failure as a puppy parent; I can't even have the patience to deal with her at her worst puppy-tantrum times. :/ But I love her enough that I feel bad knowing she deserves as much happiness and love as she can possibly get.

Seeing the Beau yesterday was relaxing as usual; we went to the zoo and at first I was kinda in a rough mood still. I cried off and on during the long drive over to his house, but after we started walking around (I pretty much dragged myself forward one step at a time, due to physical and female exhaustion) under the blue skies and sunshine, I began to feel a lot better.

Then we went home and watched more of Better Call Saul; then we had dinner and watched the Super Bowl 50--I fell alseep on the Beau toward the end of the 3rd quarter and didn't wake up until just after it ended. Then after a long day, we both went to bed and I was able to fall into a peaceful, deep sleep before waking up around 6am so the Beau could get ready for class today and I could go back home.

And that brings us to today....Hopefully things start to look up.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

I made a new blog post, check it out: 

Juna's 10 weeks old tomorrow.

 Juna last night (February 5, 2015); 9 weeks & 5 days old.
 Juna at ~2 weeks and ~8 weeks.

She's learning a lot. She's learned: sit, lay down, shake, come, drop/give it (still working on it) and she's working on stay--kinda. She's still a little young to have the attention span for it. :p Potty-training is going alright. It's a work in progress, as is anything with raising a puppy.

Thursday the Beau came over to spend the afternoon and have dinner with us--he ended up spending the night and leaving in the early morning to go to school. I've done that several times and I can vouch for its sheer suckiness.

This morning around 8-9am, Juna was having some diarrhea and dry-heaving (she hadn't eaten anything for breakfast when we normally wake up around 6:30am), as well as some scooting. Since it's Saturday and the vets around town aren't open, my mom called the breeder and she said (agreeing with my own previous conclusion) that it was likely a parasitic infection. The breeder was kind enough to offer to bring a dewormer by, as she was going to be out and about anyway.

Anyway...I haven't had a lot of time to think and consider things as I did a few weeks ago. About a week or so from today, UTK-CVM is supposed to be sending out notification of our admission standing. I'm honestly not expecting much, since you know...I suck apparently and don't deserve to ever reach my goals or conquer my dreams.

So whatever. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

This past week has had its ups and downs--mostly downs.

I'm pretty sleep-deprived and tired of driving back and forth to the next city over.
I'm tired of waiting for bad news from UT around the 15th--at least Valentine's Day is just before that, so I don't have to be completely bummed out. I'll have some fun before life comes crashing down again.

Most of the schools have April 25th set as the day you can start contacting them and figuring out what the heck they hated about your application; people say it helps to find out what those things are, so you can improve over the next year for applying a second time.
I guess once I find out what I did wrong, I'll figure out if it's worth it to apply again---retaking the GRE will be an absolute pain the butt. However, I went through 4.5 years of frustrating, stupid, pointless undergrad prereqs, so...why not torture myself a bit more?

What's one more year of trying as hard as I can and still not getting any closer to my previous life's goals?

Juna's getting along with potty training; she still has accidents of course, as she's only 9.5 weeks old. But hopefully she'll catch on soon and this can be put behind us.
Right now, I also need to move on to training her to be a bit more obedient and less destructive, which can be partially solved with getting her much more exercise. However, in order to do that properly, (I can do it at home, but it's more demanding and not as efficient) I need a big, open space to run her in---and that can only be found at the very public city part where other dogs are roaming around. In other words, she needs her puppy shots first, which will take about another 6 weeks.

Do you see my predicament yet?

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Yesterday, I got yet another rejection email from UGA. I was expecting it--hoping for better news--but still trying to stay realistic.

Because 5/6 schools rejected me and I'm trying to be a realist, odds are that I won't get into UTK either. Based on how that goes, I might apply one more time and see if I can't get in next fall (Fall, 2017). OR, I might work through this summer & fall, then I may start working toward something entirely different. I will NOT spend 4 years of my life applying to vet school over and over again, getting absolutely nowhere in life only to spend 4 more years on top of that completing school after I've been out for so long.

Just like the above quote mentions, since I won't be able to change the minds of the admissions people at the vet schools I attempt to get into, I will instead change my goals. Honestly, I don't want to work with animals if it's not directly related to veterinary medicine. I wouldn't be happy as a vet tech because they work too damn hard for too damn little pay and too damn little thanks or appreciation. I respect any hardworking, dedicated vet tech, but I myself can not do it.

I've always had an interest in psychology; helping people is one of my passions. I like to make them feel better and reach goals they may or may not know they need to achieve. I like to improve lives and make differences.

The only problem is is that I've never been able to improve my own.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Quieting Down After the Crazy

Last Wednesday, Juna joined the family:


She adjusted pretty quickly; she doesn't cry hardly at all for her siblings. She still has potty incidents inside; I've been trying to take her outside every half-hour to every hour, depending on her nap schedule and when she's eaten/drank a substantial amount. Supposedly puppies don't get fully potty trained until about 4 months old (at least), so we've got about 2 months to go. By then, she'll have gotten all her puppy shots (hopefully), so that will be progress. :)
 She's learned to "sit", is learning "lay down", and is still not quite understanding "drop--" or "give it". I'm fairly certain she's picked up her name, and she'll come if I call her from another room.

Then on Thursday night my aunt & uncle arrived to stay at our house until Sunday morning. The Beau then came over on Friday afternoon, also leaving on Sunday. My sister left on Sunday morning as well, so it's just been me and Juna since yesterday except for the occasional visitor who stops by to meet Juna.

Last Wednesday, it started snowing:

It didn't really stop until Thursday, where it started up again and a pretty thick layer of snow developed over everything, where me, my dad, my aunt and uncle, and the Beau helped to shovel the driveway on Saturday before it had a chance to ice over and prevent anyone from leaving.

I went for a run yesterday and hit 3.75 miles, which is the most I've done in a long time, probably since April 2015 before my foot had that stress reaction. As I've been getting back into running, I've been sure to stretch and I've been trying to build back up the more important muscles that it requires. I need to make it more routine, however, as I have been going several days in a row (working different areas), then taking a few days off just because of how my schedule and days align. I know I can't be perfect and typically nothing ever works out the way you plan, but I wish I could get it much more patterned---and I will. I'm considering doing both running and strength nearly every day to add to the amount of exercise I do, just so my body starts to drop the excess weight I gained (and it's so stubbornly refuses to give up). I'm also trying to eat much more carefully; I've always eaten in an 80:20 healthy/balanced way, but now I need to really crack down as I did before.
I understand that when I initially got into amazing shape, it was all because I worked hard/was very dedicated, and I gave it to God. I didn't make it about me, and honestly I know that's what I need to do again. It's just learning to balance it with other priorities and concerns this time that makes it a bit more difficult to stay so focused.

But I'll get there.
If I did it once, I can do it again.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

"ReFitness Blog"

So, I've decided to create a blog purely dedicated to tracking and following my journey to finally, finally getting back in shape (now that I have the time).

Here's the link:

Follow, subscribe, check in regularly. I'll be updating, fixing up, and adding new things as I get started with it. :)