Sunday, August 23, 2015


It's been months, almost years, and you still haunt me. What's most frustrating is that you're not even really ideal; I just liked the notion of you being ideal. There were things I didn't like about you--your only-child-induced selfishness, your "holier than thou" intelligence, your distaste for innocent puns and bad jokes.

And yet, so much about you worked. You were smart, careful to speak, not corrupted, fearlessly ambitious, easy going, intuitive, clever, kind-hearted, and--as pathetic as it is--the first person of the opposite sex to chivalrously refuse to allow me to pay for my own food. You had those warm eyes and that soothingly deepened voice, like velvet against the autumn wind. You were the one who encouraged me, kept me going, inspired me, made me strive to better myself. You were the whole reason I decided to finally take the plunge into veterinary medicine in the first place.

You are the reason I am me: why I am filled with the desire to accept and understand anyone whom I cross paths with, why I strive to better myself, why I'm cautiously guarded, why I try not to step on toes, why I think carefully before I speak, and why I tread so lightly. It's true that I didn't know pain until you disappeared, but I also wouldn't know myself had you never come along in the first place. And while you left me with memories I'll never forget nor will ever be able to reproduce, you...you aren't meant to be captured. You never have been, like a meteoroid burning through the clear night sky, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity whose wonder I'll never witness again.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Today I submitted my vet school application(s). Now I have to sit & wait until around December/January to get notice of whether or not I've been invited for an interview.

Tomorrow, classes start (once again), hopefully for the final time as an undergrad student. I'm still tired from the summer, not looking forward to any of my classes (mostly the insane workload for the number of credit hours I actually have), but...I know it could also be a lot worse.

One way or another. I've gotten through the past four years unscathed. What's one last semester?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

On Monday I had my first chiropractic visit, and it was determined that my cervical vertebrae not only lacked their natural curve, but the curve was a bit reversed. As a result, instead of my head sitting above my shoulders as it should be, with my neck and back muscles holding it in place without as much effort, my head sits just forward of my shoulders (you can see it from how my ears fail to align with the rest of my spine). As a result, my muscles and tendons have to work overtime to hold my head up, just like if you were to hold a bowling ball a few inches out from your chest, as opposed to right up against it.

Today, I went in for my first adjustment/therapy session. And next Monday, I'm supposed to start the at-home physical therapy exercises; the doctor wanted to give my spine a few days to be readjusted before those were started, to prevent things from becoming worse.

These past few days, my professors have been posting new materials (syllabi, first-day-of-class lecture things, etc.) and it's already starting to overwhelm me. I get overwhelmed and anxious as it is, but I'm not even going to really enjoy any of these classes--physics is understandably a disliked class. Micro I just find boring; I really like the ideas and concepts, but I absolutely loathe biology courses. Their very set-up and design, the way they're taught and how the exams are written and delivered, the frustrating labs and ridiculously demanding assignments that provide absolutely no benefit to my learning...it's just a huge waste of my time and a big cause of my many, many potential stomach ulcers.

And physics is just stupid.

But on the bright side, we got our final grades back for biochem today and I ended up with a B-; I've had B-s before, but I'm just happy it's not any sort of C. While for the amount of work and time I put into that class I deserved a higher grade, I'll settle. Because that's what college is about--embracing the suck, making the most of out of it, doing your best, and allowing what will come to come.

So that's what I'll do this semester. Take it one week at a time until this beast of burden is over. Oh how I hate undergrad.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Final-ly Over.

The biochem final was today, at 10am.

Supposedly, half of it was going to be over the most recent material and the second half was going to be comprehensive. In total, it was 27 whole questions, some of them in multiple parts.

I needed a 110 of 200 points to keep my B in the class. Theoretically, I could've gotten an A-, but that would've required a perfect 200 point score which was highly unlikely.

Afterward, I went out to eat--mainly I wanted a strawberry daiquiri and a meal that was neither a salad nor made by myself.  And then I went to roam around the whole foods grocery store, desperate to simply meander with no real responsibility. I still have a few things to finish up getting done for school; I need to get a parking pass and order books. I also need to finalize some things for my veterinary school application; two more recommendation letters need to be submitted before I can really have it entirely submitted. Everything else was taken care of weeks ago, before summer class even started--for this very reason. So save myself time and agony in the short few days I have of complete freedom.

Let the adventure begin.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Years later, it would be expected that the things stirring inside my chest would eventually settle and fade away. But instead, just as it always does, July 25th of this year dawned with a familiar feeling to the air; one of nostalgic peace, of ghost-like memories, and a heaviness inside my chest that I can only compare to a yearning for something so beloved yet so very unbecoming.

You may have taken a piece of me with you when you left, but that empty space allowed room for new things to grow. Like strength, courage, understanding, compassion, and a young wisdom that I'm only beginning to comprehend. I'm not the same person you left behind, and although I'm still unfamiliar and shy around this new person I have evolved into, I awoke today with an odd sense of security that--despite the challenges I have and have yet to face--it will all be okay.

Despite the notion that I still carry a part of you around with me like a person carries skin, I rest in an eerie peace that one day those skin cells will be shed and replaced with new. And then, just as the quote says, there will be no remaining parts of my being that your unforgettable soul has touched.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Another stressful two weeks of furious studying are once again on the verge of beginning.

I'm really tired of complaining about this class--probably more tired of it than other people are, no joke. But this class has consumed my life for the past 8 (10, by the time it's finally over) weeks, and it's really hard to talk about anything else that your life revolves around. Time has been passing with an aching slowness, but also always seems to be speeding forward into the next week of "day-in-day-out" before I can get finished with what I need to do in order to stay afloat.

In all reality, this class has been insane--I've learned so much, been challenged in new ways, and have really enjoyed finally getting to some of the "meat" of what I'll be dealing with for the rest of my (hopefully) professional career as a (God willing) veterinarian. Although monotonous, moving at a ridiculously fast pace, and a ton of work just to "prepare" for class each day (much less study afterward, do homework/quizzes/tedious study guides, and prepare for upcoming exams), it's given me another taste of what vet school will be like.

People always try to tell me that vet school will be hard as if I'm not already well aware of that concept. But to me, the difference has always been about passion. When I'm motivated by passion and excitement for whatever it is I'm doing, I can do it all day long, all week long without wanting to give up. That's how I imagine vet school will be; I know there will be hard classes and ones that I find useless or boring. But that's what comes with the rest of the package of "Complete Joy and Utter Excitement".

I've spent the past four years putting in an unimaginably large amount of time, effort, sacrifice of my emotional well being, putting off physical well being, and withstanding an insane amount of stress and pressure just to get where I am today---almost done. With one more dull, uninteresting, frustrating semester left. Provided, that is, I don't have to retake biochem for some horrible reason (Definitely not due to a lack of effort or trying on my part; like I said, it's consumed almost every one of my waking hours since June 1st.).

Speaking of vet school & happier things, I sent out hassling "notices" for my recommendation-writers to finish up their stuff and submit it. Hopefully, once they do that, I'll be able to submit all of my application sometime around August 20th (maybe even before, so I can for sure stop worrying about it before school starts). I meant to send them more of a warning (like a whole month), but since I had an exam I couldn't really stop to write out four different emails to people, politely asking them to "hurry up" so to speak.

But anyway...I have work to do.
And a lovely Sunday with the Beau to reward myself with afterward. :)

Sunday, July 19, 2015

I've never been this miserable in my entire college career.
And it's only going to get worse over the next three weeks.

Meanwhile, all my friends and family will continue to send me pictures and exclamatory updates about the latest fun adventures they're having. 

Freaking fantastic.