Thursday, December 18, 2014

Recap & Today

Yesterday, we rushed around doing last-minute things to get ready for the Beau to come over for dinner. We all sat in the living room, and when he finally arrived, I went to answer the door.

He brought me an adroable stuffed polarbear that had been practically stewing in his cologne (^_^) and a cute little handwritten letter of adoption.
I brought him into the living room where he was introduced to everyone--dad, mom, sister, sister's BFF.  Then we all sat down and talked for a few mintues before we started the last-minute prep-work for dinner and the Beau and my dad talked between themselves for a little bit. 

Then we ate dinner; me and the Beau sat sort of "cornered" to each other. I was on the side, and he was at one of the ends of the table (across from my dad). Did I mention we had a Mexican Fiesta? Because we did. Tacos, nachos, and plenty of sides to go with it. 

Then after, we returned to the living room to talk some more. i usually can't stand being around my dad after he eats; it's hard to explain, but his mannerisms and way of carrying himself just have a way of getting underneath my skin and burning like a match thrown onto a linear gasoline spill. But it was surprisingly okay; I sat between the Beau and my mom. My dad sat near the Beau, and my sister and her BFF sat at an equivalent location to my mom. I felt like the mediator between two worlds, a link and a listener to two simultaneous conversations. Like the Avatar between the human and spirit worlds.

But they were easy conversations, with lots of laughter and smiles. 
Then my mom pulled out her camera to get a picture of her and my dad, then "conveniently got the idea to take a picture of me and the Beau". I knew it was all as set-up, but went along with it. 

Afterward, it was late and time for the Beau to go home. So I walked him out, barely shook my dad from going with us, and then confirmed our plans for today as well as said goodnight/goodbye.


Today, we had breakfast and went through our usual morning routines. I made more ninja cookie dough for the beau, went for a 5.31-mile run, got home in time for lunch, to shower, get ready, and finish rolling & cutting out the cookies and then baking and letting them cool.
Then it was time to leave for the Beau's (about an hour away) where I'd deliver the cookies, his Christmas gift, and he would attempt to teach me a nerdy card game that "sounds like it involves math". 

Then we left to see the Hobbit, where we got tickets, and waited in the lobby until the showing before ours let out. When it finally did, we took our seats in the nearly-empty theather. Although I haven't read the books, have only seen the "Desolation of Smaug" (And didn't entirely understand/follow/pay attention to what was happening...), and again wasn't all that focused on the movie in front of me, it was a pretty decent movie. Supposedly it was well adapted from the book, but what I liked was the actual story line and intense, almost non-stop action that it had. But I'm fairly certain that the ending was what made it all worth it; I love endings for some strange reason. In particular the ones that return to the beginning and bring the story "This just made the entirely dull and boring middle part worth it."

Then we went back to the Beau's house where we went inside for a minute so I could say goodbye to his dad and his dogs. And after my goodbyes, the Beau walked me out to my car where we hugged for a while. I could tell he wanted to kiss me, could practically feel it settling in the air like dust in an attic. But he didn't, and instead settled with a second long-lasting hug and kiss on the top of my head (a new "usual" which I've come to sort of find immensely endearing--I don't know what it is, but those top-of-the-head kisses, no matter who plants them, have always made me feel safe and secure), along with a request I text him whenever I get into my driveway. 

Fast-forward through a boring, speedy drive home at 10pm with almost no traffic. I texted him, and then of course--the one thing that's been on my mind since, like, a week ago--the whole "just kiss me already" "I wanted to, but I just want to make sure you're comfortable first" conversation ensued for a brief few minutes until I went to take a shower and he also got ready for bed. By now, I imagine it might continue tomorrow, maybe not. 

The thing about the Beau is that I don't have to worry about anything. I don't have to fret or second-guess or overthink. So far I'm enjoying the adventure, learning new things and testing my boundaries, and if anything at least figuring out more about my ownself and what I want out of life. What kind of person do others need me to be, what kind of person do I want to be? Where do I want to take my life, and what am I willing to do in order to get there??

Am I willing to stick it out, through the ups and the downs, in order to arrive safely and my predetermined destination--whatever that may be?

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Not Forever

You've told me dozens of times, and often add more for good measure, that you plan on always being there. Even before we were together, when we were just friends, you told me that regardless I was a friend you wanted and very much intented to keep for life. Part of me knows to think this is one of those "sweet nothings" that is told to a significant other; and another part of me is wondering whether I should honestly take it seriously. 

But going off this "serious" notion, who am I to be someone you would ever want to keep forever? Insecurities be damned, I know you're going to either get bored of me or eventually figure out that I'm not all sunshine and daisies. 
The interesting thing is make me want to be as full of sunshine and daisies as possible. You say I bring out the best in you, that I make you happy and that I "settle your soul", but really...I can only settle your soul for so long. I can't be your ray of sunshine, I can't constantly brighten your world--I'm like a shooting star that flashes across your darkened sky for just a split second. 

And then I'm gone.

The worst part is that while you say all of this, the stupid part of me continues to fall for you. And by the time you realize I'm not what you're looking for, that this was all a big mistake, it'll be too late and you're going to end up stomping my heart.
The first time I take a huge risk, put my neck on the line and step blindly into a foreign territory that terrifies me even beyond my own sense of emotional feeling...I'm going to get destroyed.

Hence my fears. Hence my worries, my doubts, my questions, and my concerns. 

Who's going to break whom? And how long will this last until one of us either wakes up or gives up?

The funny this is that over this period of time, you've become the first person I tell everything to. You're the person I ask for advice, the person I give advice to, the person I tell the simplest and the most complex things to. And when you're gone...where will I be? Back at square one, alone again at the bottom of my social and familial totem pole. Just me, and nowhere nearly as strong of as person as when I'm paired with you. 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Meet the Parents

Next Wednesday, I suppose the Beau is coming over to my parents' house to "Meet the Parents" and for dinner.

My sister & her BFF will be there, so hopefully having them there will help buffer the weirdness/awkwardness/discomfort that will no doubt ensue. I've never had a boy over for dinner, but from what I've observed from having normal, female friends over and the stories I've heard from my older sisters about having boys over, it ain't gonna be the most amazing situation.

The Beau is pretty talkative and has that Beau Charm of his; he's smart, put-together, well-organized, friendly, funny, and he and his parents have a lot in common with me & my parents.'s to not having a breakdown/vomiting session before then, and here's another to it going semi-well.

I'm certain I'm more nervous than the Beau. 

Friday, December 12, 2014


Yesterday was the first official day of of winter break; I woke up early for a dentist appointment to get a filling replaced. Then I went to the grocery store for some odds & ends, browsed around the pet store for a while, and then went home to have an early-ish lunch and to clean the house before leaving for the break.

I left around 2pm to go over to the Beau's house; his dad really wanted to meet me. So I came "bearing gifts" of ninja oatmeal raisin cookies. And after he invited me in to sit down and talk for a few minutes, me and the Beau left to go bowling. I was terrible--I haven't bowled in ages and even back then I was never as good as "good" might be considered. But it was still fun, surprisingly.

Then we went back to his house and watched The Hobbit,

About an hour or so in, his dad came in (again, after passing back and forth) and suggested ordering pizza for dinner (the Beau sweetly suggested getting part of the pizza Hawaiian for mine :D). We all ate together and watched the movie for a bit, then his dad quietly slipped out to go back to his own activities.

I have no idea what happened in the movie. Haha! Not only was I confused about who any of the characters, but I was busy being distracted by two adorable dogs, the Beau's arm wrapped around me, the stupor-inducing smell wafting off of him, and the foreign desire to somehow phase change into a viscous liquid, like molten gold melting into every crevice of his being.

At first, two weeks ago, I wasn't comfortable making physical contact--I've gone 22 years without it, why would I need it now? But after experiencing's become the 2nd-most prevalent thing to cross my mind just  behind the Beau himself. So much of these past two weeks has completely changed my perspective and understanding and...overall appreciation. I don't look at people or couples the same way; actually going through it and seeing it grow from the very foundation up is something...magical. Something terrifying and worrisome and mysterious, but it's fun. And the whole time, it also feels comfortable because you've got this other person going through it with you. Someone who cares and wants to see you do your best.

At the end of last night, the Beau walked me out to my car, hugged me, and gave me a gentle kiss on the top of my head. It was nice; I'm not sure I'm 100% ready for the whole for-real kiss just yet. 90-95%
Part of me was pretty sure it was going to happen yesterday/last night, but a part of me knew it just...wasn't the right time or right place. There's a time and a place for everything; this one has it's own, just like all the other small, powerful milestones. <3 br="">

Thursday, December 4, 2014

I need to leave my heart out of this.

I should just listen to my head,
'cause it's the one that knows best.

You're growing on me.
So much more,
so much faster
than I ever expected. 
It's the little things--
your laugh, your smile. 
Your easy going tone, and your sweet expressions. 
How you strengthen my boundaries,
and make me feel like a Princess. 

I know it's in your job description.
I know it's how its supposed to be,
but I also know that often times it isn't.
Not even close.
So I'll remain thankful for the simple things,
and find complete joy in the small bits
that exist only between us. 


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I see memories and things captured of myself before you came along, and it suddenly hits me:
I don't like that person.

I thought I did,
I thought I was strong, bold, and beautiful.
But I wasn't.
I wasn't really anything, until you came along.

And although I'm a lot stronger with you,
I need to remind myself that I am me without you.
I'm one-half of something,
and if/when that something dissolves,
I will be fully me again.
Except a little older, a little wiser, and a little better.

Last or wither,
brighten or fade,
come or go.
You've changed me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


I've been watching it come, like a hostage tied to a railway watches a train. I've just been thankful it's been fairly easy to pick up on hints you drop, whether accidentally or intentionally. And while I'm also thankful you're so sweet, kind, considerate, and (frankly) loving toward me, I'm brand new to this.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm taking it day by day, blind step by blind step.
You're simultaneously growing on me, taking hold of parts of me I never wanted to be taken a hold of. You're changing them, stretching and molding them into something I never thought possible.

While it's too early for me to be honestly able to return those three powerful words, I'm taking into account your own feelings. I appreciate them, I value them, and I'm comforted by them.
Many things about you comfort me. And while I'm not completely comfortable with myself when I'm around you, you're quickly becoming that person that is the rock to my storms.

We seem able to work through things, to communicate, to agree on the occasional disagreements, and to iron out the wrinkles when we come upon them. And only time will truly tell; and if it does, I get a slight feeling that time will continue to tell for years and years to come.