Sunday, July 31, 2016

"I am still living with your ghost"

I slept through the night with dreams of you, of which I haven't had in months if not years, and woke up occasionally in bouts of shock and disbelief, followed by the sense of regaining my calm and collectedness when I remembered "It's just a dream".

Yesterday was not the "high school reunion" I had ever imagined.

It was a roller coaster of intense emotions: anxiety, uncertainty, nostalgia, awkwardness, sadness, and an odd sense of joy at seeing people I never really expected to see again, much less speak to or hug.

The visitation and "memorial celebration" in and of itself was surreal--no one ever expected it to be him that we'd all first initially gather to say goodbye to. And for such a young, passionate life to end so suddenly was/is a tragedy. I can't imagine what his family and friends are going through.

Seeing everyone from high school--people I forgot existed, people I knew I'd see, and some I figured would be there--given the circumstances was difficult to deal with. Should we be happy, should we be sad and refuse to smile or greet one another cheerfully? Should we even acknowledge each other, or should we feel free to embrace one another in a desperate attempt to comfort and console?

On the other hand...seeing you there, the first real person I interacted with, was perhaps the most surreal. Most of me expected to see you there--even after almost 3 years of not having spoken to you, it's reassuring to know college hasn't changed your quietly supportive nature. But even then, I wasn't sure what to say to you. Should I greet you warmly and ask how life has treated you? Should I congratulate you on your recent graduation from school? Or, since the Beau was standing right beside me grasping my hand with an unyielding sense of support and comfort, should I simply wave as I did and politely say hello?
That whole moment was a blur, really, but I distinctly remember the Beau squeezing my hand tightly for a split second when we both simultaneously spotted you standing quietly and politely off to the side. He knew. I've told him bits and pieces of the story, how I all but loved you for a year or so, and how I've since never fully ceased harboring those same feelings. They've simply gotten covered up and buried by all the memories the Beau and I have made together, by time, and by life's distractions.
But seeing you last night, alone for the first time in who knows how long, made those feelings explode immediately to the forefront of my thoughts. For several minutes after that, all I could think about was you. All I could focus on was you.

For all intents and purposes, seeing all sorts of people I spent 4 years of high school with and vaguely followed on social medial throughout our college careers felt like our parting ways never happened, but at the same time there was a sense of emptiness, as if a large chunk of time had been simply erased from our memories.

Emotions were vague and random from the moment I woke up yesterday and remembered I had a funeral to go to (in the middle of an otherwise ordinary day) to say goodbye to a high school classmate I knew changed every life he touched in a big way, to the moment I fell asleep with Juna snuggling me and the Beau just a few rooms over, asleep himself.

Today...doesn't feel much different. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I have made the decision to reapply to one or two schools for the 2017 application cycle, purely for the sake of gaining more experience with the process. If anything it'll simply help me improve my application for next year.

Although I haven't been able to add much in regards to my experience, I'm hoping to get that accomplished at some point. My interview this morning was rescheduled for next week (If that doesn't give some sort of "sign" as to how it'll go, I don't know what does.), but I want to try to start seriously volunteering and whatnot over the course of the next 6 months or so.

Ideally, I'd spend the summer working on research, the fall volunteering and working, and the spring as an equine medicine intern. BUT, with working....that throws a wrench in things. Originally I was gonna try to squeeze it all in this summer/fall, then try to go back to school in the spring just for something educational to do. But that's a stupid idea.

In a little over two weeks, I'll be starting to nanny my niece and nephew. That'll keep me busy and give me a source of much-needed income.

Juna's getting stronger and healing more with each day that passes; we're only on day 5 of 10-14, but still...she's (miraculously) been just fine so far. Hopefully it all stays that way.

I've spent the morning working on my personal statement and starting another VMCAS application; mostly it's all been copied over from last year's application, but there are things I need to go through and change and/or confirm. 

Sunday, June 5, 2016


Ever since touching down, I've been feeling the weight of all the unspent energy settling heavily on my back and shoulders. I've been sitting stagnant for so long that I'm beginning to struggle with a lot of the demons I thought I might have finally left behind when I got out of undergrad.

In a few weeks, I'll be starting a "job" as a nanny for my niece and nephew. It's basically a full-time job, and pays pretty darn well. I'm happy about this--it'll give me something to do instead of just...exist. It'll give me some sort of income, it'll give me a purpose, and it'll give me new experiences. Something to put on my pitiful resume to prove that I'm "responsible", that I have a life outside of not doing anything particularly important. And it'll give me a chance to spend more time with my niece and nephew. 

This next week, I'm supposed to have an online interview with a place in Kentucky for an equine internship in the spring; it's something that lasts from a seasonal thing working with foals, which should be pretty amazing and eye opening. It will also give me a chance to get in more large animal stuff. Ideally, I could spend this summer and fall volunteering and building up "character" and showing that I actually am a well-rounded, good hearted, responsible person. 
Anyway. I didn't really want to mention anything about this, in case it failed to go through. Mentioning things that have the chance to go horribly wrong has never gone well for me in the past. But I'm trying to not think much about it and remind myself that it's not the end of the world in case it doesn't go well. Besides, all I did was send in a letter of intent & my resume via email and they asked (again, via email) if I could interview in a few days.'s up in the air I suppose. I may have to write a post after Tuesday expressing my 2nd deepest sorrows and regrets, but...I've already been rejected by vet school, so what could possibly be worse?

Then next May (2017) I could try to reapply to vet schools and hope I get in to start in the fall of 2018. Which means I wouldn't get out until 2022, mere months after my 29th birthday. But...everyone moves through this life at their own pace, with their own style and flair. Provided veterinary medicine is what I'm supposed to do with my life...I'm willing to wait for when I'm ready for it.

Juna was spayed last Thursday (June 2nd), and she's doing well. It's been hard keeping her inactive and not jumping and playing and whatnot, but she's doing well and that's all I can ask for. SO FAR, she hasn't popped any stitches, thank goodness; with each day that passes, the risks that come with that occurring become less and less of a concern.


I've been restless and to be perfectly honest, I've been sinking back into my old mindset of disordered eating. I've been skipping a meal each day, eating less at each meal, keeping overall Calories down, and questioning how fast I could make the number on the scale drop if I just quit trying to put on muscle.

That's kind of what happened last time, back in 2013. The sight of that number dropping with almost gravitational speed was...exhilarating. With each week or two that passed, I vanished a bit more and my soul flew a bit higher. And I guess the bottom line is that all I want right now is to feel my heart shine again.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Back to Reality

The Fort Lauderdale vacation has come & gone and it's hard to really wrap my head around--I look back at photos & posts before the vacation, ones where I expressed my excitement, wonder, worries, and hopes for the escape to a form of paradise I've never had the chance to experience, and I can hardly believe that I was once that person.

It seems so long ago, despite having only been a week since I was in the process of packing my suitcase and leaving to meet up with the Beau. We had an awesome time, even through the little struggles we all experienced, the normal ups and downs people go through whenever they embark on an adventure together. I ate mostly to my heart's content & (apparently) didn't gain a pound, which is pretty much a miracle--one I prayed and hoped for leading up and during the time away from the hellhole I call come.

For now, it's back to the grind. Juna's getting spayed tomorrow, so that should be fun for the next two weeks. My student loans start being billed this month, and I'm going to start being a "nanny" for my niece and nephew--I know nothing about being a nanny, but I'm pretty good at being responsible and honestly need to: A) stay busy and B) spend more time with the kids. Plus it might show some of my "responsibility" to the admissions people whenever I reapply to vet school.

Speaking of that, I've been browsing around online and found some large-animal/equine internships near Nashville. I'm not sure if they'll accept someone who's not in college still, but I'll keep looking into and inquiring. Honestly, I'm at the point where if I'm going to do it, I really just want to bite the bitter bullet and do whatever it takes to fill in whatever silly requirements the admissions people ask for.

Afterward,  I hope to prepare for entering into some sort of graduate/post-undergrad education. Either psychology or a master's in public health/epidemiology. Both of this interest me and are far more likely to get me into a permanent job than animal science ever would.

Anyway....for now I'm still floating in that sea of empty nothingness. Like a blank, white space full of everything that isn't.


Monday, April 25, 2016

It's nearly May.

I still have no job & not much hope for getting one any time soon. There's nothing available locally and commuting an hour both ways nearly every day of the week just can't and/or isn't going to happen; I have too many other things to worry about--Juna, church, spending time with the Beau. I know it sounds selfish, but I've spent the past ~5 years being very unselfish and sacrificial. All for nothing.

The Beau is almost out of school for the semester; his last day of finals is on May 5th, so we'll spend that afternoon together probably. But what will actually happen is that I'll go over there the day after, because last-minute changes are how he rolls.

Mid-May is my friend's wedding.

The end of May is the Beau's & my vacation; we're actually going to Fort Lauderdale. It turns out his dad's friend has a place that we can stay---so along with the Beau, the Beau's dad, his dad's friend, and his friend's "friend" is also going. It's not exactly at all what I wanted or was expecting to get myself into, but the good thing is that the adults are good at keeping to themselves and letting the young people roam free. It won't be like going on vacation with my family where we all stay together and pester each other and have to unanimously agree on doing one thing. All together. For like a week. In a tiny hotel room/vehicle.

Juna's almost 30 lbs, if not a little over. Today she's almost 5 months old: (4 months and 28 days).
She's nearly potty trained; she's starting to ring her bells or whine instead of bark like mad when she needs to go outside. And she's being able to hold it a little longer between potty breaks; about a week ago we found out she had another UTI (possible a continuance from the first one a month or so back), so the vet started her on Cepha for 3 weeks (instead of 2) to make sure this infection got cleared up entirely.

Meanwhile I'm still not making much progress in any sense of the word--not physically, not mentally, not financially. I'm a complete and utter failure; a painfully shy, timid, discouraged, anxious waste of life. I know my weaknesses hold me back so much, and yet I can't move past them.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck as nothing and there's nothing I can possibly do about it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016


I've been sitting stagnant between trying to decide what to do within the course of the next 4-8 months; they're opposite but both require me getting any kind of job--whether related to animals and furthering a potential veterinary school reapplication or something purely for extra cash. The job is mainly for repaying student loans, and the paths are based on what I decide I am willing/passionate enough to do.

Option 1: Proceed with reapplying to vet school.
  1. Requires 200+ hours of (likely unpaid) "shadow" work with a large animal vet.
    1. This vet is at most an hour away from where I live. 
    2. Hours are very likely to be irregular, long, and unpredictable.
  2. Requires 200+ hours of community service/volunteer work--> also unpaid
  3.  Requires some experience with research work--> Work will be found at my alma mater, an hour's drive.
  4. Requires me to also have a job on top of all of this "work", long hours, driving.
  5. Possibly requires me to retake the GRE, which I might try to just scoot under the rug.

  • This work is not at all guaranteed to get me in next year. Therefor, it would be wise to begin working toward grad school.
  • If I do get into vet school, I may have to move to a new state---> money that I don't have.
  • I will spend the next 4 years after admission working my butt off until there is nothing left of me but my shell.
  • All of this "pre-work" and work will leave me with an unbelievably large amount of debt after graduation.
  • Vet don't make money.
  • Vet's work insanely long hours and put in a huge amount of energy into their jobs.
  • For the work I'll be doing, the pay I will receive, and the debt I'll be swimming in...I'm still wondering if it's even worth it. 
  • "Anything worth having is worth fighting for."

Option 2: Begin taking steps toward applying to a graduate program for psychology.
  1. I would need to apply fairly soon in order to meet the application deadline for taking non-degree-seeking students. 
  2. I did NOT graduate with a Bachelor's in psychology.
  3. Ideally, I would be spending around a year taking "make-up courses" in order to gain entry into a master's program (clinical or i/o--or maybe something else if it strikes me as more important).
  4. I would also need to try to find way to gain "experience" with a psychologist or two.
  5. I may need to retake the GRE, depending on the school I apply to.
  6. Then I would apply to grad school and hope to get in. I imagine it's a bit easier (in theory) to get into grad school than it is for veterinary school.
  7. Ideally, grad school would last ~2 years; let's call that a $60,000 debt after graduation. 
  8. What if I wanted to go get a doctorate? But let's not go past a Master's for now, just to keep things simple. 
  9. I would work a job that pays about $60,000--$80,000 a year. Hey, that's almost the same as veterinarians!! 
  10. Psychologists can generally set their own hours and of course don't work quite as hard as vets.
  11. SO, let's rehash: less debt, less work, same amount of pay, and a bit less stressful/traumatizing of an experience to work through.
  12. The odds are in psychology's favor. Especially since psychology can open a wide variety of options as far as careers go.
  •  I would also have to work during this "prereq" work, purely for the sake of (like I mentioned before) paying off my student loans from undergrad. 
  • Meanwhile, there are personal things that I know are going to be coming up within the next year or so that I need to start preparing for. Should those types of things stress you out? Should they be something you have to worry about, or should they just come naturally? >_<