All this time has passed, and yet...my waking thoughts still remain somewhat around you. If you're no longer not the first, you're second. And believe me, that's an "improvement". I still miss you, I still see you in the dreams that never fail to fade into nightmares.
It dawned on me the other day that I can't quite recall your voice anymore, but your eyes still burn as brightly as the day I first noticed them. When I realized that with one look, I could simultaneously feel that feeling of falling while experiencing what it was like to be caught, safe and secure, just before I hit bottom.
I miss you,
and the only place I can go to visit you
exists in memories that are slowly being layered and painted over.
Whether I want them to be or not.
No matter how much time passes, you still are and always will be The One I Lost. Even if I didn't even technically have you in the first place... You. Had. Me.
And no one has accomplished such a feat with my heart prior or since you passed like a ghost through my life. Everyone is compared to you, pitted and matched up. They're run through a checklist, time and time again failing--something is always wrong with them, not as good, or just undesirable.
You're not smart enough.Where is your sense of adventure,
You're not attractive to me.
You're not funny.
You're not deep-thinking.
You don't feel.
I hate your personality,
and the way you carry yourself.
I can't stand the tone of your voice,
why aren't you seeing through me--to layers that I don't even see?
your passion for life?
Where is that sparkle in your eye,
and that gentle, quietly-tensed strength,
that controlled manner in which you exert your beliefs.
Why can't you be him?