Saturday, July 25, 2015

Years later, it would be expected that the things stirring inside my chest would eventually settle and fade away. But instead, just as it always does, July 25th of this year dawned with a familiar feeling to the air; one of nostalgic peace, of ghost-like memories, and a heaviness inside my chest that I can only compare to a yearning for something so beloved yet so very unbecoming.

You may have taken a piece of me with you when you left, but that empty space allowed room for new things to grow. Like strength, courage, understanding, compassion, and a young wisdom that I'm only beginning to comprehend. I'm not the same person you left behind, and although I'm still unfamiliar and shy around this new person I have evolved into, I awoke today with an odd sense of security that--despite the challenges I have and have yet to face--it will all be okay.

Despite the notion that I still carry a part of you around with me like a person carries skin, I rest in an eerie peace that one day those skin cells will be shed and replaced with new. And then, just as the quote says, there will be no remaining parts of my being that your unforgettable soul has touched.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Another stressful two weeks of furious studying are once again on the verge of beginning.

I'm really tired of complaining about this class--probably more tired of it than other people are, no joke. But this class has consumed my life for the past 8 (10, by the time it's finally over) weeks, and it's really hard to talk about anything else that your life revolves around. Time has been passing with an aching slowness, but also always seems to be speeding forward into the next week of "day-in-day-out" before I can get finished with what I need to do in order to stay afloat.

In all reality, this class has been insane--I've learned so much, been challenged in new ways, and have really enjoyed finally getting to some of the "meat" of what I'll be dealing with for the rest of my (hopefully) professional career as a (God willing) veterinarian. Although monotonous, moving at a ridiculously fast pace, and a ton of work just to "prepare" for class each day (much less study afterward, do homework/quizzes/tedious study guides, and prepare for upcoming exams), it's given me another taste of what vet school will be like.

People always try to tell me that vet school will be hard as if I'm not already well aware of that concept. But to me, the difference has always been about passion. When I'm motivated by passion and excitement for whatever it is I'm doing, I can do it all day long, all week long without wanting to give up. That's how I imagine vet school will be; I know there will be hard classes and ones that I find useless or boring. But that's what comes with the rest of the package of "Complete Joy and Utter Excitement".

I've spent the past four years putting in an unimaginably large amount of time, effort, sacrifice of my emotional well being, putting off physical well being, and withstanding an insane amount of stress and pressure just to get where I am today---almost done. With one more dull, uninteresting, frustrating semester left. Provided, that is, I don't have to retake biochem for some horrible reason (Definitely not due to a lack of effort or trying on my part; like I said, it's consumed almost every one of my waking hours since June 1st.).

Speaking of vet school & happier things, I sent out hassling "notices" for my recommendation-writers to finish up their stuff and submit it. Hopefully, once they do that, I'll be able to submit all of my application sometime around August 20th (maybe even before, so I can for sure stop worrying about it before school starts). I meant to send them more of a warning (like a whole month), but since I had an exam I couldn't really stop to write out four different emails to people, politely asking them to "hurry up" so to speak.

But anyway...I have work to do.
And a lovely Sunday with the Beau to reward myself with afterward. :)

Sunday, July 19, 2015

I've never been this miserable in my entire college career.
And it's only going to get worse over the next three weeks.

Meanwhile, all my friends and family will continue to send me pictures and exclamatory updates about the latest fun adventures they're having. 

Freaking fantastic.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Today marks the start of yet another week-&-a-half that will be spent holed up inside, studying in a seemingly endless fashion, in order to take an exam I'm more likely going to "fail" (get a C--which is no bueno) no matter how much I study.

But on the bright side, at least if I get a C, I won't have failed the class, technically. And I can still have a slight chance of getting into vet school.

Ha. Ha.

I really need a miracle.

Friday, July 10, 2015

This song will always remind me of you.
Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had been more upfront. If I had known how to handle myself better, how to reciprocate in return. Because I know that--at some point--you felt the exact same way I did.
If anything, I can at least say now that I know what it must be like.

And I'll do anything you say
If you say it with your hands
And I'd be smart to walk away,
But you're quicksand

My dad has always told me to never get my hopes up, and simply expect the worst, so that way I won't be disappointed in the end. 
So with my mother's kind heart and my dad's fearless skepticism, I've taken myself one step further,
and learned how to never let my heart belong to anyone but myself and my own beliefs.

You're on the first to lay a hand on the ripcord, but I'll be damned if you're the first to pull it.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

While I should be Studying...

It never fails to impress me how quickly life can change in such short time spans.
With one word, one message, one action, your entire life can change in an instant.

In six months, I could receive an email (which will take approximately 5 seconds to scan) that will lay the way for starting vet school next Fall.

Is six months, I will (hopefully) take 20 strides across a stage, receive a congratulatory handshake, and within seconds call myself officially done with undergrad.

In two weeks I will turn in my exam, and a week later I will (through eyes squeezed shut) peek at my precarious grade.

It's funny how, will one word or one action, relationships can change. You can tell someone you love them, and a Spring air will settle over you. You can tell a friend they're poison, and undo years of "friendship" that never really was.

However, never before have I been so unsure of this possibility of change. I have spent the majority of the past year building up some sort of false security, a sense of well-being and safety that never really was. I've been lying to myself for months, and willingly going along with it because it's easier than taking a quieter, lonelier route.
I should've just acted as maturely as I'm capable of and trekked off on my own, forged my own path because that's where I'm going to end up. It's where we all end up, no matter the promises we made to ourselves and others along the way.

Nothing feels the same anymore.

Monday, July 6, 2015

What's the Point of Effort?

The past year or so, I have made an immense effort in order to make sure I stay honest, trustworthy, and true to the things I promise. I've made strides to communicate, to be realistic, and never ask for more than I know is realistic to handle or endure.

Meanwhile, I've also put up with and learned to accept things that I was initially feeling very tempted to draw the line at. I've tried to make an effort to understand the meaning and logic behind the motives for these behaviors and actions, and as a result I've been able to learn to accept them.
Whether it's a result of true understanding and value, or a product of desensitization and adaptation, I'm not sure.

But it's a conscious choice I've made, and be it mistake or esteemed logical reasoning, I'm fully committed to those choices. And if need be, I'm not the type of person who's terrified or too weak to sever ties.
Like I said from the very beginning, I don't need you.
   I want you.

I want you because you've (until this point) been sweet and kind to me, shown me what I may have mistaken for appreciation and value. But you've lit a flame within me that's not fueled by anything you have to offer--you've awakened me to a part of myself that I never imagined could exist. I am strong, I am fearless, I am valuable, and I am worth no less than I myself offer up to others.

Over the past several months, I've tried to offer endless kindness, understanding, bravery, and compassion. I have tried to instill wisdom, consideration, and conscious thought. I have tried to teach, to grow, to raise, and to rescue. And while I'm currently making every effort to remain as strong and solid as a rock...

on the inside I'm shaking like a Pacific fault line.
I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm ashamed, and hurt.
Not so much by those at fault, perhaps, but by myself.

Because I've been watching this storm grow like a tidal wave off the ocean's shore. 
I saw the damn thing coming, and I never did anything about it.

So I'll close with one thing:
I fear nothing. I don't fear mistakes. I don't fear you. I don't fear myself. I don't fear being alone or otherwise without companionship, without the feeling of "love" that's hoisted up the daily sunrise for the past year. 

Because I am me, and in knowing that---without me, you are nothing.
Instead...I feel bad, because I too know what it's like to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.
And then you came along and offered up a gentle distraction from it all.