Sunday, October 19, 2014

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, at approximately 9pm, will mark the final "five" of the "3-6-5" days I haven't seen you.

All this time has passed, and waking thoughts still remain somewhat around you. If you're no longer not the first, you're second. And believe me, that's an "improvement". I still miss you, I still see you in the dreams that never fail to fade into nightmares.

It dawned on me the other day that I can't quite recall your voice anymore, but your eyes still burn as brightly as the day I first noticed them. When I realized that with one look, I could simultaneously feel that feeling of falling while experiencing what it was like to be caught, safe and secure, just before I hit bottom.

I miss you,
and the only place I can go to visit you
exists in memories that are slowly being layered and painted over.
Whether I want them to be or not.

No matter how much time passes, you still are and always will be The One I Lost. Even if I didn't even technically have you in the first place... You. Had. Me.

And no one has accomplished such a feat with my heart prior or since you passed like a ghost through my life. Everyone is compared to you, pitted and matched up. They're run through a checklist, time and time again failing--something is always wrong with them, not as good, or just undesirable.

You're not smart enough.
You're not attractive to me.
You're not funny.
You're not deep-thinking.
You don't feel.
I hate your personality,
and the way you carry yourself.
I can't stand the tone of your voice,
why aren't you seeing through me--to layers that I don't even see?
 Where is your sense of adventure,
your passion for life?
Where is that sparkle in your eye,
and that gentle, quietly-tensed strength,
that controlled manner in which you exert your beliefs. 
Why can't you be him?

Thursday, October 16, 2014

There is Glory in One's Downfall

Today is the first day of our way-too-short Fall break; so far I've spent it studying and trying to swim up from the abyss of misery that has so far made up the majority of this semester's educational agony.

We're learning about lipids and metabolism in nutrition.
We're learning about a bunch of crap I don't (but probably should) care about in health management.
We're learning about carboxylic acid derivatives, enolates and enamines, and the wonderful world of aromaticity in Organic 2.
We're learning about calf/cow nutrition in Dairy management.

I had an exam yesterday, I've got one next week Friday, and then one on the following Monday and Tuesday. 

Then it's party-time for Halloween! It'll be so nice to just breathe & have some fun--pass or fail.

Then I have another on the Monday after Halloween (November 3rd).
Then one the next week Friday (November 14th).

Then is Thanksgiving, which I'll spend crying through.

Then classes end & it'll be time for finals. 

THEN, finally I'll be able to take a few deep breaths. 

UGH. I love October but hate it all the same. I can't wait until I'm out of school for good and don't have to have my holiday season stolen from me every year. :/ I love the holidays--Halloween is cool, but really Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are what I live for. This year I might have an Eggnog Party with my best friend and we can drink away our sorrows together. 

But on another note, the Holidays involve something I've recently become more and more afraid of. Eating and socializing. How can I eat without also trying to fool myself I'm worth feeding my body with Calories and nutrients that it needs? I'm such a slacking failure that I don't deserve anything beyond rabit food. 

The amount of self-loathing love I've been beating myself up with lately is ridiculous. I've spent this semester simultaneously growing/building myself up and disappearing/tearing myself down. Getting fat and wasting away. Forgetting and remembering, winning and losing. 

I just want balance. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I feel my life's balance slipping through my fingers like sand through an hourglass.
Except this time, I can't just turn it over; there's no restart, reset, or redo.

I'm stuck.
And I'm still sinking.

This is literally the one thing I promised myself
I would never let happen.
And what do you know?
 Where have I ended back up?

Right where I started from.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

I feel everything
crumbling beneath me.

And I have absolutely no motivation 
to try and hold it all up.