Sunday, March 29, 2015

Behind every bitter girl is a brutal boy who broke her down.

And behind every strong girl,
is a strong man.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

In an effort to "prepare" for my "Summer Challenge", I've restarted the whole lower-body-core thing as a daily thing.

I'm trying to do core one day and lower-body the next. And upper body occurs as often as I have time/feel like I need a break from studying (upper body is bae! :D).

Anyway. I found this:

Friday, March 27, 2015

FitBit Charge: Arrived

Here's what it looks like in the package (please ignore my organic chem lab homework...):

As I don't have much time to discuss it today, and because I've just gotten it and haven't had a chance to really test it out and see how it does, I'll update in a day or so (maybe a week, even, to call it "even") and discuss what I like/dislike about it. 
I also sent a lovely (only being slightly sarcastic) email to Jawbone informing them that I switched companies because Jawbone is a waste of my money, time, and sanity. But that's another negative post for a negative day---today is not one of those. :)

Do you have a favorite fitness tracker?

I'm still waiting for my FitBit Charge to come in the mail--it should arrive some time today. Hopefully after I get home from class late this morning.

As far as the rebuilding goes, I'm continuing to make progress. And I'm trying to be patient with the pace at which this progress is progressing. I realize I didn't trip, fall, and shatter into a million pieces overnight. It was a slow, painful destruction that occurred at an alarmingly uncontrollable pace. I knew it was happening, I watched it happen, but I didn't do anything about it. Maybe it was my own form of punishing myself--yet another way of outerself telling my innerself how useless it is.

Or is it the other way around?
I can't be sure, anymore.

But either way, there is still some part of my whole self that continues to fight back,

refusing to give up, using every last ounce of remaining energy and strength to regain control. And
not control in the destructive sense, that's all in the past.
But harmony. A sense of balance.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I shouldn't still be waking up in the middle of the night, sweating ice and desperate to catch my breath, because I saw your shadow lurking in my nightmare, because I heard the long-forgotten sound of your voice.

Why am I still trying to escape you, when you're the one that was never there to begin with? 

When the things in life that mean the most to you disappear, you never really forget the tiny details about those things. They might fade, after enough time as passed and new memories mask over the old, but they're always there. And when you least expect it, something triggers those details into a vivid explosion of recollection, shooting across your darkened sky like a burning meteor seconds before crashing into the cold, dead Earth.

Over the past few years, I've gotten stronger--both physically and mentally--but I know that, were I ever to actually have those details one day reappear in person, no amount of strength or willpower could keep my knees from buckling as I fell into a crumbled mess of weakness and fear.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Fitbit Charge

I just bought the Fitbit Charge---I've been waiting a few months between the death of my 2nd and last-ever Jawbone Up24 band. I was unbelievably excited to try the Up3 band that (I think) is due to be hitting the market soon.

But it runs at $180, and considering my last two Up24 bands died after a few months of careful wear, I decided I could use my money elsewhere. Besides, I have friends and family members who are faithful Fitbit users, so I thought it might be best to try out a new company and maybe open up a couple of new windows.

It's supposed to come in within a week or so. So hopefully I'll be able to let you know how it goes soon!

Think positively even on dark days, guys!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Things are still progressing. I'm not sure if they're progressing in the way that I'd prefer them to be, but nonetheless...I'm still in a better place.  I've been able to maintain my positive outlook, adopt new habits without much struggle, and overcome things that I wasn't able to overcome before. It's change, it's growth, it's learning. It's healing.

There are five weeks left in this semester--one of them being finals week--and really I'm just looking forward to the moment I can "wake up" from it all. This entire school year has felt like one long, endless nightmare. I've been sleeping through most of it, living day-by-day, as if I'm only putting enough energy in to get by. But I'm tired, I'm burned out, I'm anxious, and overwhelmed. There's still a lot to do, providing little rest in between each bullet point on my list.

Hopefully, by this time next year, it will have all evened itself out. Hopefully, I'll have gotten into some vet school. At this point, I don't really care which one--I just want in. I want to get in, get through it, and finally, finally be done with school.
Not only am I ready to move on from undergrad, I'm ready to move on from school itself. I'm tired of memorizing and "learning", I want to explore and really get a feel for what I care most about. I want to start my own life, start moving toward the sorts of things and lifestyle I've always imagined myself having, where I've always imagined having it.
A nice, coastal town, with waves and seagulls and docks. A place where living is within walking distance of shopping and work, where people address one another by first name. Where the wind can flow through open windows at night as you sleep, and the full moon's light can seep in beneath door cracks.

While I love the idea of someday living in Hawaii, where the sun always shines and the weather's always aching for people to spend their days outside, I also realize the limitations of myself, my future job, and also the restraints of living several thousand miles away, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where the cost of living is extremely high.

But that's just it...if living is so costly, life must have more value. It must be worth something more, to live on paradise.