Saturday, December 31, 2016

I have spent the past week or so applying to graduate schools; since the beginning of December (initially at an "off and on" and now at a "few hours each day" pace) I have been studying to retake the GRE in hopes of increasing my scores even by just a few points, because my last score was on the verge of being "good"--whatever that means.

So far, I have gotten three LoRs; I am in pursuit of one more because I feel it would look good. And it can't hurt.

I feel I stand a decent chance of being accepted into some sort of program. The Beau recently got a job (that starts out at first on a volunteer basis but will quickly turn to a paid position) at our "alma mater". He is also looking for more work on the side in order to make up two part-time positions into a full-time conglomeration. If he ends up staying here, and I go elsewhere, I can't say that I will be so heartbroken over it.

Yes. It will be hard and being away from him so much more than usual will be hard.
But we need to grow up and explore this part of our lives separately; not as "single people", but on our own. Within 3-4 months, he will hopefully be finally moving out of his dad's house, and that means a whole new role of responsibility for him as he finds out what it means to live on a budget he is responsible for, what it means to make sure you're able to pay your bills, and to learn how to take care of himself and his pets all on his own. It will be a growing experience I want him to go through, just as I want to go through it myself.

Providing I get accepted for fall 2017 admission, I'm not sure what I'll do until then. Possibly get a job? Do "work on the side" somehow? This is the exact problem I ran into last January when I realized veterinary school is far too stuffy and too hypocritical of a place for my liking, and since then I have floundered around until finally, nearly a year later, I find myself doing the one thing I swore I'd never do: apply to graduate school.

But if it means actually being able to get a job doing something I care about and find exciting, then so be it. And, to be honest, if it means putting of "real world" things for another couple of years...I wouldn't complain. Mentally I can tell I'm not quite there yet. I'm not ready to accept all of the responsibility that comes with "adulthood"; I need to mature a bit, realize my "full potential" (again, whatever that may be), and become comfortable with the though before proceeding with the action. As I've grown older, I've realized that this has been a pattern that my life has strictly adhered to. I have always been a bit more mature than my peers, but not quite "ready" to face new challenges and take risks as they are. The thought of jobs and interviews and careers and bills and mortgages and marriage scares me---just like college once did. But slowly, I will digest the thoughts and be ready to take the plunge.

Life for me has been a series of trial and error: trying something, failing miserably, waiting awhile, trying again, and most likely succeeding.

This....this feels like one of those success moments.
And after a year like 2016, I need some success.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Your saying that you don't understand where I'm coming from--what I mean when I say all I've been able to focus on lately is the growing number of little things that differ between us, things I know will grow larger and larger until we're worlds apart--proves my point perfectly.

What use is it to try and explain to you that we come from entirely different backgrounds, were raised with separate values and environments? That we surround ourselves with different people, different friends and family.? That we both seem to want different careers, to find different states to relocate to and of which we will learn to call "home"? That, because we don't seem to share the same fundamental religious and political values, everything that shapes and makes us from those innermost roots therefore also differs?

We are two different people trying to head separate ways together.

And that alone will be what will tear us apart when it's already too late.

The same has happened to my mother, my aunt, my uncle, and my sisters.
The same will happen to me.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

You look as good as the day I met you
I forget just why I left you
I was insane

I know it breaks your heart
Moved to the city in a broke-down car
And four years, no calls
Now I'm looking pretty in a hotel bar

Friday, November 18, 2016

The future I've been seeing lately consists only of me and Juna. I can't see another person for miles; I can see us hiking on the weekends, visiting the local, cozy coffee shops and then walking a couple streets down to let Juna play with her friends at the dog park.

I can see sailboats, coastal waters, the smell of saltwater and the sound of seagulls calling above the small New England town. I see waking up on week days to fit in some exercise, then going to work during the day, stopping by the farmers' market on the way home, and finally preparing a pleasant dinner before settling in to relax for the evening.

I see occasional vacations to the south to see family, or the occasional visit from them as they venture up to the beautiful north to see the leaves change.

Getting away from here is all I can think about. Getting any type of decent job to save up money for grad school and to stop the constant feeling of "leechy child syndrome". It's suffocating.
There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, no place to take Juna and let her really run and have fun. I don't have any friends, and the closest one is just the Beau who's an hour away, finishing up his school, and with whom any sort of plan or dream never ever works out.

I hate the thought of letting go. I hate the thought of causing you pain, taking away your motivation or desire to succeed in life. I hate the thought of seeming like "that girl", knowing perfectly well that the second I walk out of your life and the numbness has left your head and eyes...the names and insults will start falling out of your mouth. Just like the example set by your friends and your parents.

At times I have tried to casually find out what would happen if, for some reason, I was no longer in your life. And the responses I got either worried me or disappointed me. They told me that within the two years we've been together, I still haven't done my job. I apparently haven't taught you how to take value and pride in yourself, to work and better yourself for you and no one else. Because you're not always going to have someone else around to push you and help you find your way.

I haven't taught you to find yours because I haven't yet found mine.
Maybe, years from now, we'll once again bump into each other.
And maybe years from now, things will finally have settled into a place where there's room for the rest to fall into place.

I love you so. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Where has it all gone?
The excitement, the joy, the feeling of safety and comfort?
Why has it all been replaced with a single feeling of...nothingness? Not anger or frustration or sadness. It just feels empty, the time I've lately spent with you.You talk about a total of maybe three things--all of which I either have neither interest in hearing about nor desire to continue listening to because I get too much of it already from the news.

I'm bored with the things we do. They're just things. They cost money you supposedly don't have and that I don't feel worthy of spending.
I'm tired of watching the people who move around your life, within your space of living, cycle through their vain attempts to forget all their problems by means of merely creating more problems for themselves. I'm tired of watching them drink almost non-stop, complain about how tight their money is, and then go out to bars with friends nearly every night--mostly in hopes of picking up women that are far too young and far too troublesome.
I'm tired of your friends all being one and the same: broke, addicted, and looking for the wrong things in life and blaming the people around them when really...they should just blame themselves. Stop influencing him. Stop dragging him down. Stop making me resent him.

You're inconsistent, occasionally hard of hearing, talk over me, interrupt, forget thing I took as promises, skirt around the truth, hide your phone, and the you habits that you grew up and around developing all make me want to leave a solid black-and-blue hand print across your cheek.

There are moments when all I want is to yell and scream at you--tell you all the things that make me wish I never agreed to let any of this start. I want to express to you my frustration at the thought of having to live with your gigantic, controlling, and dominant dog. I want to make you understand that, even though all you think when you look at me is us "building our future", all I can manage to see is all the struggles and obstacles we're going to spend most of our free time overcoming. That I'm afraid work will become an escape for us--instead of saying goodbye to each other each morning, we'll merely be saying goodbye to the struggle.
I hate your "occasional" use of weed that all of your struggles to breathe when you run, why you hate cardio, points to a more than occasional use.
I hate that when I call you out on lying or skirting around the truth, you agree with me that it's an insult to my intelligence, but you have the fucking nerve to keep doing it.
I hate how you don't seem to hear me, and when you do, the sound stops just before hitting your brain's auditory cortex. 

I hate how you can hear, but you can't understand me--you can't understand my feelings, my political stances, my likes and dislikes, or most importantly my religious beliefs. You just listen and then sweep it all under the rug so you don't have to be a man and deal with it. 

But mostly....I hate how I can't bring myself to leave you. I can't bring myself to break your heart, to leave you when you're so close to finishing out this semester. I can't bring myself to be responsible if and when you completely fall apart, losing yourself to the everyday motion of living. 
Would it even be my fault? 
I've tried to teach you, to help you understand that life is full  of curve-balls, unexpected struggles, and obstacles that seem unconquerable. I've tried to help you learn to focus on one thing, one day and one struggle at a time. 
But....was all of that enough? Or did I fail at the one job I was given?  

There are days when I wish I had the courage to confess all of this to you, to somehow make you understand where I'm coming from and that where I want to go is so entirely different than where you want to be. If you even get there. You've talked me into so much I never wanted to do--you've taken so much of my self respect, self acceptance, and my self esteem. You've replaced it with a false sense of security, an intense distraction that I fear is slowly starting to fade into the shadow of a doubt.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way